Some things are easy to forget… pin numbers are a bugbear of mine. Expressions on peoples’ faces, the color of their eyes. Words said with venom to hurt and the pain you feel inside. These are the things we never forget, we take them through life with us and they shape us. It’s normal though, innate, a throwback to a deep-set survival instinct we have as animals. It’s supposed to teach us to never make the same mistakes twice… “this could hurt you” it tells us. And we listen… most of the time. As children, if we get burnt we don’t touch the fire a second time. So why then do we not have the same concern for our hearts, fragile as they are? We run head first into love rarely concerned of the lessons of the past.
Laying there on the grass I look up at the sky and sigh at the day winding on with the rolling clouds. There must be some kind of explanation, I reason. I check my messages for the one thousandth time… nothing. I tap the screen, and hold my laptop high. Maybe it’s the signal. I screw up my eyes against the glare bouncing of the screen at me. No, full bars. My chest constricts… “Abandoned”, taunts an evil voice in my mind. I roll onto my tummy, setting out my laptop before me. “Why?” I type into a message, but it pings back my way, blocked, is the reply. The words cut worse than glass. My lip begins to tremble, “no don’t cry, he’s not worth your tears”… whispers the voice of reason. But my exhausted body fails me and the sobs wracking from my chest make birds scatter to take flight. There are a lot of bad things in this world and my naivety is one of them, it cripples me along with the disadvantage of a big heart. But the pain at not being able to work out why you’re hurt in order to heal the right way really tops it all off. And then my mind comes back to twist the sword, “here you are, worrying for yourself, but what if it’s that he’s in trouble?” Yes, I say back, that’s it: he must be in trouble. And my logic shakes its head and leaves the conversation of madness.