Pain is a Friend of Mine

The tip of a blade pressed against my bare skin, a tiny trickle of red against white, I watched it fall, my eyes fixed to it hoping that I might escape with it. A high piercing voice shook some of the rigid fright from my arrested body. My mother’s voice was breaking through, my body morphing from horrified statue into energy which bubbled up into my limbs. My body was still stiff but instead of being frozen I was ready to bolt. My mother, my saviour, was but a mere dream. Here was the figurehead of destruction, hell’s matriarch. Her raised voice was directed against my tormentor, batting him around the head as she teetered by.

“You’ll ruin her for the pictures.”

She said with what I was surprised wasn’t a forked tongue spitting at him, tears stung my eyes and my lip began to tremble, I cursed myself for my weakness in front her for long ago any doubt of this woman’s maternal instinct was laid to rest and with every act of pure evil after she threw another layer of soil on the mound. She wet her thumb and rubbed out the smudge of blood from my neck. The face that should have been that of a loving mother was smeared with hatred. The look she gave, one reserved for the lowest form of pond life. The creak of the door hit my ears like a gunshot as they entered. At 7 I was no longer scared of monsters in the closet, because I knew real life monsters existed in the forms of these five men.

16 years later…

I slowly pushed the globe around, tracing my finger over the map, of all the places in the world I could escape to. But the only place I could go was to the contents inside.

“Round and round the garden…. Where it stops nobody knows.”

Bottles clinked as I stopped turning it and opened the lid.

“Ah, so it is you who will join me this evening my old friend.”

I said to the bottle of Tia Maria who was at the front of all the rest. I knew pain and in some cases I welcomed it. It was good to feel because I knew if I stopped feeling I’d go numb, I’d lose hold of the heart I knew I had and they’d win. But the pain was also a reminder, a reminder that constantly needed blotting out, like a pin prick that wouldn’t stop bleeding or the knife, that sometimes had me wondering; what if I’d have bled out? But the pain was real and kept me focused, and I often sought it for pleasure from the darkness. It was at night when the dreams came that they’d find me again and by morning I’d have to physically run to escape them. But I could never run from the night that would inevitably come around, and the nightmares that would always trap my soul would ensnare me again. Running had always helped but I’d needed it more often lately, to the point I was running so much that my burning muscles ran on battery acid, until I just couldn’t go anymore.

Captain Morgan joined Tia Maria and made quite the threesome, just need to blot the darkness out. I stretched my weary limbs out on the couch, my tiny frame engulfed within all the cushions, I felt like I was floating. My long hair fell over the edge and into the paws of a little kitty who immediately started to climb. I chuckled and I thought of my Daddy Dom, he’d often told me my life was like that of a Disney Princess.

“So you’re my prince, are you Delta?”

I said to the cat who had now given up on climbing and was trying to curl up and sleep in my hair. No there is no such thing, battles must be fought by me alone. Besides, how many Disney Princesses escape like this, I thought whilst popping a little pill into my mouth and swallowing it with a mouth full of rum.


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