Lily in the Darkness

“Where are you going kitten?” His voice cracked from the doorway of the bedroom. My suitcase was packed, it hadn’t really been unpacked since I came back, my intention was to break things off properly and then leave. I’ve hated that my strength has ebbed since being back in London and around him I’ve felt myself sinking back into the swallowing pit of darkness that was my existence. But I had no need to fear him anymore, did I? This was the first chapter of my new beginning.
I hauled my suitcase onto its wheels and praised myself for packing my paperwork first.
“I’m staying with a friend.” I tried my hardest to make my voice sound big and confident but I couldn’t hide the tremble in my hands when his eyes ignited before me, he fed off that. And I couldn’t stop my eyes from darting towards the door, he knew I was scared. And the predator in him smiled.
He shook his head “wrong answer, little one” as he eyed me warily and had the door covered, knowing I wanted to make a break for it. I summoned all the strength of whatever Angels watched over me, stood up tall and swung my purse onto my arm. “This”- I flipped a hand between us- “this, has been over for a very long time. You’ve hurt me, disrespected me and this marriage for far too long and I’m done with it.” My eyes shot to his to gauge the type of retribution he’d take for me sticking up for myself.
I expected an eruption but instead he laughed in my face and threw his head back, whilst clutching his belly and almost splitting his sides. My cheeks flushed with fury and I stomped my foot, awakening yet another demon in him. I hurried past him to make my exit to the front door and leave this place forever. But I felt a shooting pain as his firm grip clasped my upper arm, crushing my small bicep in his large, vice-like grip. I squealed and bit back a sob as he threw me backwards into the bed. I removed the mask of hair from my eyes to see him towering over me, the jangle of his belt buckle bringing a burning sickness to my throat. Hot tears leaked from my eyes as I remembered all the other times we’d been in this position, his forearm over my throat while he took what I hadn’t given him.
But I wasn’t about to go quietly into the night and as soon as his hand gripped my throat I dragged my nails down his forearm.
“Fucking bitch” he roared grabbing a fist full of my hair as I attempted to escape. It took everything in me not to cry, so instead I pleaded “you’re hurting me, ouch, let me go.” I fruitlessly wrestled against his arm, slamming my fists into his chest, it was like hitting rock. He effortlessly pushed me back to the bed still with fistfuls of hair that I felt ripping from my head.
“Leave me alone”. My heart was thumping in my chest attempting to get out, like a caged bird. I squeezed my eyes closed, maybe if I didn’t see it happen, it wouldn’t, and he’d go away. I thought of my life and how I’d come so close to being free- that I’d finally been getting my life together not beholden to anyone, now this. I could hear a noise but didn’t realize it was coming from me until I opened my eyes. The sound I was making sounded like the anguished scream of a tortured soul in hell. There I was, in my own hell, a high pitched wail erupting from my lungs, purging myself of years of pent up suffering. It was like I’d saved it all for that one moment like a wizard would build the lightening ball in his hands, harboring it, growing it until it was a strong enough weapon to unleash on his opponent. And now that I’d freed it, it was uncontrollable, bursting from my lungs like a burst dam, and just as impossible to contain but cathartic all the same. Especially when I looked up at him and he looked a little scared and very panicked that I might draw attention. A loud crash broke me from release as I quickly drew in a gasp. Tiny bits of plastic rained down onto me and I realized they were from my camera he’d just smashed over my head. I gathered all the tiny pieces and vainly tried to put them back together like maybe if I held them in place they’d fuse shut. I choked back a sob, I didn’t have many possessions, but out of the little I had, nothing meant more to me than this one. It had been my only connection to the wonder of the outside world. To me, when I took pictures I was capturing a little frozen image of something that fascinated me or inspired me, it always floored me how in that moment I was capturing something that would never happen again. Once the opportunity was gone, it was gone forever and by capturing it, it would always live in that frame of frozen time. Whether it withered and died the next day, at that moment it was beautiful and that beauty was immortalized.
I bit my lip hard to soften the blow. If there was one thing I wasn’t going to do, it was to let him see just how much he’d ripped away from me with that one act of cruelty. Later, I’d cry until my head felt stuffed full of concrete but for now I was getting out of there. But before I went I turned to him with emotions spattered across my face. “If there’s one ounce of humanity left inside you then one day you’ll regret how you’ve treated me. You’ll realize that in that misery you call an existence there was one person who cared enough to help you through. And on that day when you realize that all you afforded me in return was rape and betrayal, remember this one thing: I am going to go on and live my life and die one day with no regrets. But you will carry what you’ve done with you until the end of your days, it will eat at your soul until you’re consumed by it. And when you try to look for me to free you of your suffering you will neither find me nor be forgiven by me because I will be flying high like a butterfly and you will never have wings.”

2 thoughts on “Lily in the Darkness

    1. Thank you for your kind words, I didn’t think I’d ever get to this point of my story and push myself to put pen to paper. But in it’s own way getting it out was cathartic and I’m pleased to share it for that reason and for the awareness of abuse.

      Liked by 1 person

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